Hull Sands, stillbirth and neonatal death charity

At 11 weeks we had another scan this time a private one which was amazing she put on a show for her mummy daddy and big sisters by jumping around everywhere and we bought a dvd so we could show our families our little miracle.

At 17 weeks we went for a sexing scan where we found out she was a girl. This time round she didn't move much at all I just thought he was sleeping but maybe it was a sign something wasn't right.

Fast forward to 18 weeks the 18th April a day I won't ever forget the day my world collapsed around me. I had been to visit my best friend Ashley and she had found a scanning place near where she lived who were offering free scans so I went along. The day feels like it never happened like it was someone else and I was watching from afar but it was me. It was me laid on the bed wondering why he was taking so long doing the scan without showing me the screen. It was me who heard those words no mother should have to hear. My heart broke into a thousand pieces and all I remember is screaming out no and my best friend hugging me tears in her eyes and saying how sorry she was. How I wish that wasn't me but it was.

Telling Jason was the most upsetting thing I have ever had to do. I could barely get the words out and when I did he thought I was joking.I hated that he wasn't there with me to comfort me. I had my youngest Charlotte with me and it took all my strength not to show how upset I was for fear of upsetting her too. The train ride home was agony sat there strangers all around me staring at me wondering why my eyes were so red and why now and again I'd let out a little sob.

The next day I went to the hospital who confirmed she had indeed grown her wings and booked me in for an induction 2 days later.

The 21st came around I didn't want to wake up I didn't want to face the reality that it would be the day I would meet my baby. I was so scared not knowing what she would look like how I would react so many emotions running through me. I was scared to give birth knowing I would never hear her cry.

The induction process was started off at 10am and the contractions soon came not long after. The pain didn't bother me too much but knowing that with each contraction it was a step closer to meeting her was like a stab in the heart.

It wasn't long til I was told to push and after a few pushes my waters broke I thought that it wouldn't be too much longer before she came out but my body just didn't want to let her go as my contractions stopped. There was talk of putting me on a drip but in the end I didn't need it as the contractions came back. Jessica was born at 1.34pm and I willed for her to breath or cry but no sound came. The midwives took her to be wrapped up and to take photos and she was brought back to us soon after.

Jessica was sooooooo beautiful I fall in love with her the moment I saw her. It was hard seeing her at first as she looked so poorly with fluid around her face but she was perfect. So tiny she fitted in the palm of my hand. We had her blessed and spent another hour with her and then we decided to let the midwifes take her as we could see she was getting worse and we wanted to remember her beautiful face like it was when we first saw her.

The 7th May we had her service and Jason carried her coffin into the chapel. We decided to have her cremated and brought her ashes home a week later. On her first birthday we decided to get her ashes placed in the baby area of the cemetery so we had a proper place to visit her and so she could be with all the other angel babies.

We miss her so much and our lives will never feel complete without her by our side.

The baby’s due date came and went, still no sign. Too laid back, relaxed and not in a rush, like their daddy I thought!
 
When I was 41 + 2 weeks pregnant the midwife came round to do a routine check and a cervical sweep. The baby was fine that morning, the midwife had listened to her HB, all okay. She then did a cervical sweep & asked me to go to the antenatal day unit to be monitored as my blood pressure was raised & there was protein in my urine.
 
We left the house a couple of hours later with all of the bags that I had packed for the baby’s arrival. As I was this far on in the pregnancy I expected to stay in and possibly be induced. We were excited to be finally meeting our baby.
 
Once there the midwife checked my BP and urine again, all was fine and back to normal. She then strapped me up to a monitor to check on baby. She left my partner and me alone at one point, he said baby’s heartbeat was dipping, he thought she was moving around, and so the midwife came in and asked me to move to a bed.
 
She then picked up baby’s heartbeat, but it was low, she said something about baby being in distress and asked whether I had eaten recently, a C Section was mentioned and she said that my partner would not being able to come into theatre with me, I was just in a daze then. I was put in a wheel chair and taken up to the maternity ward.
 
What happened next was not something I was expecting at all, my world was torn apart in a matter of minutes and with just a few words “It’s not good news I’m afraid.”
 
I was wailing, my head in my hands, I was in complete and utter shock, disbelief and despair, the pain I felt was indescribable. I was then told that I would have to deliver my baby. I was so, so scared of this. Labour, I thought, was going to be bad enough delivering a live baby. But when you know your baby has died, I was in so much pain already, mentally and emotionally, I couldn’t comprehend anything. I wanted my baby to be born screaming, not silently into this world.
 
About 24 hours after we had first entered the hospital our baby was born. The midwife wrapped her up and took her into a side room, when I asked her if baby was a boy or girl, she told me "a beautiful baby girl", this was when my tears started and at the time felt like they would never stop "that's my Evie!" I exclaimed!
Once Evie had been cleaned up, she was brought in to us, we spent some time with her before our families came in. She was perfect and so beautiful, she had dark hair and such a lot of it. She had my partner’s ears & nose, but she had my lips. She was 20 and a half inches long, she had such long legs & big feet to boot! She weighed 5 lbs and 12 ounces.
 
The midwife stayed with us for a while and took her hand & foot prints, we took photos & cut some locks of her hair. We got to keep copies of the tags on her feet & the tape measure with her measurements on. All put inside a pink memory box.
 
As I held her in my arms, I willed her & wanted her to open her eyes, I so wanted my perfect little girl to breathe & cry. But she was so still and silent.
 
Leaving the hospital the next day was terrible for both of us, it was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do, leaving Evie behind, knowing that I would never get to hold her again. We should have been leaving with our daughter, not a box with her memories or the blanket which she had been wrapped in.
 
The day’s and weeks that followed were a blur, a complete mixture of emotions as we planned our daughter’s funeral. But with the help of family and friends we were able to do it. The service was lovely and the people who had been touched by Evie’s short life inside of me were there to honour her.
At that time I was in a very dark place, the feelings felt were so intense and I found myself reliving the days surrounding Evie’s death and birth as if it were happening again. I honestly thought there was no way out of this dark hole.
 
I felt so alone, family and friends were there for me, but nobody can fully understand the depth of pain or despair that I felt and how your life will never be the same again as a parent to a lost child, unless they have been through the same.
 
I didn’t want to speak to people and wouldn’t go out alone for a long time. I would sit and think of how cheated I felt, I had carried her for 9 months, I should have had a baby to care for now. I was on maternity leave, but with no baby! I felt angry and jealous, why us, why our baby girl, why did she have to die? I felt a longing fill my empty arms and aching heart, to be able to see my baby girl grow and do all of the things that I should be doing. Also a longing to feel like the carefree and fun loving Emma that I once was.
 
I still feel cheated, angry and jealous, although the feelings are not as intense as they once were. They will never leave my life, I know and accept that they are a part of me now and always will be. This is me and my life now, a new kind of ‘normal’. I will always grieve and cry for Evie and the little girl that I will never get to know. But I have smiled and laughed again, something I never thought possible the day my world came crashing down around me.
 
I think about Evie everyday and speak about her when people ask. I look at some of the beautiful things I and other people have bought for her and smile, she is still getting spoiled even though she is not here. We will build memories for our beautiful girl in different ways and she will never be forgotten. Whilst she was just with us for a short time, she will be forever in our hearts.

Apart from having really bad morning sickness at the start of the pregnancy, Claire had a pretty normal time. Suffering from all the normal aches and pains, we found out that we were expecting a little baby boy, a brother for Oliver, we were so so excited and so was Oliver.

As Oliver was 3 weeks early and was delivered by caesarean section due to Claire having Pre-eclampsia, an appointment was made for us to see the consultant at hull royal infirmary. He gave us a choice of trying for a natural birth or having a caesarean section with our next child. Claire felt robbed of a natural birth with Oliver so she wanted to try for a natural birth with the new baby.

As we got to around 37 week we kept wondering when our little boy was going to make an appearance, and at 38 weeks we had to go for a midwife's appointment, Claire told the midwife that she had been suffering from a slight bit of discomfort and had a little bit of discharge down below. The midwife told us not to worry as it just sounds like urine, no checks were performed!

On Saturday 2nd October 2010, Claire rang the local midwife's unit to tell them that the problem she had was still present and they told us to come in the following day to get checked out but not to worry as it didn’t sound serious. On Sunday 3rd October 2010 we went to the antenatal unit at HRI women and children's hospital where Claire was checked and was given a diagnoses of thrush, the midwife tried to find our little man's heartbeat with doppler heart monitor but she thought that the battery was running low or our little man was lying towards Claire’s back so she took us across the corridor for a quick ultrasound scan where she said she would take some photo's to reassure us that our baby was doing just fine.

After scanning Claire for a couple of minutes, the midwife turned to us and uttered a sentence that changed our lives forever, "I'm so sorry, but i can't find a heartbeat" our little baby was gone, a consultant came down and confirmed our worst fears had come true. We were distraught, we called our parents and they came to the hospital to comfort us. We were taken to the labour ward, we were both in total shock and inconsolable, Claire was given medication to lower her blood pressure. We asked if we could have our baby delivered via caesarean section as we felt a natural birth would be too much for Claire to go through at this awful time.

After checks were performed to make sure that Claire had not gone in to labour, it was agreed that our baby would be delivered via caesarean. After a 1 and a half hour operation our little angel, Frazer Andrew Heard was born at 7:06pm on 3rd October 2010 weighing 6lb 5oz. He was the most beautiful amazing little boy we could ever have hoped for. He was the double of his mummy. We remained in the hospital for 4 days where we stayed in a special bereavement room, where Frazer stayed with us in a special cold cot. We will forever be grateful to the parents and Hull SANDS whom provided the cold cot and a camera which allowed us to take many special photos of Frazer.

Leaving the hospital was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do; walking out of the labour ward without our little Frazer broke out hearts.
In the 6 days between leaving the hospital and Frazer’s funeral we went to the funeral directors every day to visit him. it broke our hearts to have to leave him every day. Frazer’s funeral was held on Monday 11th October 2010, one day after his due date and one day before our son Oliver’s 4th birthday. We chose 4 songs that we loved to play at Frazer’s funeral and it was a beautiful service performed by the hospital chaplain whom had performed a blessing for Frazer at the hospital

We were given no reason for Frazer being taken from us, losing our baby has been so so hard and it doesn’t feel like it will ever get better. We miss him each and every second of every day, it feels like all of our hopes and dreams for the future have been taken away from us. We live in hope that things will get easier, but even if they do we will always cherish our memories of our special angel baby.

Several day had passed and I was feeling my baby moving again I was so pleased nothing was wrong, until the Wednesday 10th November I found myself in the same situation where my daughter had stopped moving I knew something was wrong, I called the hospital and they asked me to go back in, I went into Hull Royal Infirmary Women's and Children around 8pm on the Wednesday night.

The midwife immediately rigged me back up to the monitors to listen to my daughters heart beat, for a full hour I was prodded and poked trying to find the heart beat which I was told it would of been hard to see on the machine with it been a very old monitor, me and my partner looked at each other and we knew she had passed she was always so lively. Finally after 3 hours of being in the hospital I was told there could not find a heartbeat although they repeatedly told me the monitors where to old and I would have to wait while the morning to be properly scanned on a modern ultra sound monitor, me my mam and my partner and his mam where told to go home get some rest and come back in the morning, ha as if that was going to happen.

After a very long sleepless night we all went back into the hospital around 7am on the Thursday, they where midwifes waiting for me as soon as I had registered in, I was immediately taken down to the ultrasound room where I was scanned. After several grueling minutes the midwife confirmed the death of my daughter. I was in shock I couldn't speak I just shook and cried, until I felt so weak, because I knew I just didn't want it confirming, several hours passed while I was in hospital and I was given a tablet to help bring the labor on, which I was informed would be a natural labor, I was sent home to wait until my daughter started to make her way. The same night I had my tablets I started to feel twinges whilst out doing some shopping in Tesco's to take my mind off things little did I know my contractions had started, unaware they was contractions I called the hospital they asked how often they was n I told them they said you will be ok to stay at home for another several hours, give us a call if it gets worse. I managed to bare the pain until midnight on the Friday night where I was in agony my partner decided to time the contractions and they where every 2 to 3 minutes. We headed straight for the hospital where the team was on standby.

Once I had arrived I was told I was already 7cm dilated, I was then given gas and air along with morphine to ease the pain, after 2 hours of constant contractions my daughter started to arrive, I knew what was coming but didn't really know what to expect, 3.45am on the Saturday 13.11.2010 my beautiful daughter Ruby Marie Taylor was born sleeping.

At first I was a little reluctant to see my daughter I didn't know what to expect, I changed my mind straight away and I went to my daughter she was so beautiful, lovely dark hair, a little cute button nose with ruby red lips she was so amazing. I then found myself in a different situation of not wanting to leave her. I, my partner and Ruby Marie was set up in a room of our own on the labor ward which was so heartbreaking hearing all the other mums with their new rainbow babies, it was very upsetting so much to even put into words. I and my partner stayed with Ruby through the night whilst she was in her cooling Moses basket, by the morning Ruby was so cold I could not warm her up :( all the family came down to meet Ruby and we had a naming ceremony at the hospital which was beautiful.

We had to leave the hospital around 5pm on the sat afternoon and I just could not bring myself to do it. I left the hospital nearly falling to my knees I just could not get my head around what had just happened, people was talking to me about a funeral I did not bring myself to even discuss such a thing after only leaving hospital a several hours, the next day the funeral was being planned and the days just passed before me, sleepless nights of never-ending why? Was it me? Was I meant to be a mam? So many questions with so little answers, I went to see Ruby twice whilst she was at the funeral directors I found it the most hurtful leaving my daughter there and before I knew it was the 18th November my daughters funeral.

The family was starting to arrive and the silence was unbearable, yet I dint want to talk to anyone before long the funeral cars where outside my house and my daughter was being passed to my partner in the hurse, her coffin was so small and white with a gold piece on the top, in the car I wanted to open the coffin for one last hold but I knew my daughter would of started to deteriorate rapidly and I wanted to remember her how I had seen her, we arrived at the funeral and I had to give myself a couple of minutes to gather myself together. We started to walk down the chapel and a beautiful service followed. It has been nearly 5months since my daughter left us and it does not get any easier, id say it defiantly gets harder before it gets easier to live with, I would never ever forget my daughter but talking like this and to other helpful sites helps to understand what has happened
Since losing my daughter it has been forever endless long lonely night wonder what it would be like if she was here now and what is she like up there now. After 8 weeks Ruby's postmortem results where back. Ruby was 1 of the many angels that has no explanation of why she grew her wings before she opened her eyes.

My darling Ruby We love and miss you soooooo much I would do anything to have you in my arms and yet I am a very proud mummy to have met such a beautiful angel, our angel. I wrote a poem about my daughter which also helps to explain the feelings, which is very hard to do as no words could ever describe the pain of losing our child. I love you Ruby Marie more then you could ever know.
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Tiny hands and tiny feet, my darling Ruby we got the chance to meet.
Although you never took a breath, my heart has found so many depths.
We can't believe you left us today; we can't believe we had to walk away.
Our beautiful angel born sleeping, you must have heard us all weeping.
The day you left, we all cried, we couldn't stop although we tried.
All of the hopes and dreams we had, where taken away, now everyone's sad.
Oh what we'd give to see your face, your ruby red lips and dress with lace.
Time will heal ever moving on and time will again make us strong.
Don't be afraid to talk about the child of mine,
Why not ask about her, it's what I long for all the time.
Ruby may be gone now but in our hearts she will forever live on.
Sleep tight little one, you are our star, our angel, our bright light in the heavenly skies.
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R.I.P our beautiful angel, gone but never ever will you be forgotten
Sending loads and loads of hugs and floating kisses up to you
All our love mummy, daddy, nana and granddad, grandma and granddad, granny and your aunties, uncles, cousins and godparents.